My Immortal  Commentary By LulitaInPita
by LulitaInPita
Summary: Don't ask me why I'm doing this... I don't know either...  My commentary to one of the dumbest fanfictions ever - My Immortal by the great Tara Gilebsie!  CAUTION - BEWARE! RATED T DUE TO THE VERY HARSH ABUSE TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!
1. Chapter 1

**I've just heard about this absolutely ommm how do I describe it? The Worst Harry Potter Fanfiction in the universe two days ago. I started reading it and the parody by ****narbiglarb**** and it was so hilarious I had to try write my own commentary… Please tell me what you think hehehe **

**My comments are in BOLD**

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **I didn't get it, sorry **2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **I can't imagine what it would look like without this Raven girl.. **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **Is she talking about Justin Bieber?** MCR ROX! **She doesn't sound very depressed to me.. anyway…. Let's begin  
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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia **Now I get it – Dementia: ****LOSS OF BRAIN FUNCTION ** Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **Oh really? No kidding! ** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **I don't know her but I ain't going nowhere!**

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.** Did I ever asked if you were?**

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **I'm seventeen too! HAHA!** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)** Wait, I thought you were a goffik! and **I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **She do realize it's a muggle store, right? ** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **I DON'T CARE** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **I've seen worse..**

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **OMG! IT'S DRACO MALFOY!  
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>"What's up Draco?" I asked.<p>

"Nothing." he said shyly. **How cute!**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **What a great ending to this chapter, I can't wait to hear what happened next..  
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><p>

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

**You want my honest truth? No, it is not good; it's not even close to good. Its worst than failure…!**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is actually kind of fun lol**

**Just writing everything that pops to my head :)**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **Nah..  
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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. **AGAIN? AT THE SAME TIME? Is that even possible? **I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **Just ran out of human blood, got to add it to my shopping list. **My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **A great inspiration for my next Halloween costume! Thanks!**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **As the usual**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. ** How about a "good morning" or something? Don't forget your manners young lady!**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **Everybody knows that Slytherin common room is attached right to the Great Hall!**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **It's like 7 a.m. in the morning! DON'T SHOUT!  
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>"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.<p>

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **You can't stand him, don't you?  
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>"Guess what." he said.<p>

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. **Did you do it in that head-breaking screamo growling voice**? I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR**. I absolutely don't give a shit…. :)  
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>"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.<p>

I gasped.

**To Be Continued… *TamTamTam!***


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **NO, NOT OK!** Odderwize **Odderwize? Maybe it's an odd wise man or something.. haha **fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **OMG I can't believe she actually got some good reviews! **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. I didn't even assume you did. You can't possibly spell that correct…

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **Boot AND high heels? That must have looked funny** Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **You mean laces?** I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **You wear way too much fishnets! I won't be surprised if you look like a fish yourself…**! I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **WTFFFFF?** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding ** That's exactly what I do when I feel depressed – I read a book to make me feel even more down!** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **You're black – we get it!** Then I put on some black lipstick. **Can't see your lipstick after you painted your whole face black with your eyeliner**! I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **That didn't stop you from using it before..** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **Who did you drink this time?**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.** A flying car? Why not a flying limousine? Or a bus at least? You're that cheap Draco? **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too **Good for them),** baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **Not true – a lot of depressed guys do it.**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **She doesn't sound depressed to me lol**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **OF COURSE!**) and flew to the place with the concert. **HOGSMEADE YOU DUMBO!** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Now I see why Tara's brain is so screwed up...** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **Hoppa Hey!** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **Like a nice couple of rabbits**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<p>

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **ROFL YOU'RE SO FUNNY!**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **I wonder why!  
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>"What's wrong?" I asked as we <strong>moshed WHAT THE HELL IS MOSH?<strong> to the music. Then I caught on. **Finally! Ha!**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **Don't lie biatch**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." **Someone is jealousss**! I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **I bet you look like a pig, yes, you do :]**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **They said NO** **haha** We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…**THE WIMPPING WILLOW! (so epic)**… the Forbidden Forest **YAYYY! Good enough!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **Ebony or Enoby? **nut mary su OK! **LIER **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder **WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WORD? **b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **"Driving my flying car? Don't you see?"**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **Or maybe he hopped of it like before** I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **Fucking hell it is**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **He must have used his puppy face on her**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.** Making out keenly against the tree? Keenly? I don't think that's the right word to describe this scene **He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.** Even? You probably do it every day, you should have mastered this art by now, it shouldn't be to hard for you! Oh wait I forgot you have Dementia… Sorry….. **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **His thingie? That must mean it's small? lol**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **We started to kiss everywhere On the beach, on the ground, on the roof, in the dumpster… **and my pale body became all warm. **Vampires are cold blooded, that can't be**! And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **WOW HEADMASTER I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD THAT IN YAH!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry if sometimes I accidently bold some of the original story too… I only notice it after I upload it but I'll try to get it better from now on xD**

**This is such a messed up story LOL **

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **No, it means we are normal, reasonable people…** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **She's right! That's what people usually do when they have headaches – they spy on teenagers having sex and swear alot! Perfectly normal! **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **Just because he's gay and can't find a partner for life because he is way to old to do it with anyone without breaking a leg doesn't mean he has to ruin other people's fun! Even though I don't think they had a lot of fun, because they are depressed folks**. PS im nut** …..It's about time you realize and admit it! **updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **Not gonna happen mate**

Dumbledore made **What did he make? **and Draco and I follow**ED** him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. Such a great insult! **I should shout it at my teacher next time she gives me an F! (Not that it ever happens… I happen to be quite a good student :)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.** I think she's got internal bleeding LOL and doesn't she even know what pallid is? **Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **So out of character from the Dumbledore I know  
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>"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" <strong>L-O-L!<strong> asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **Very easily**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **Say you love someone and you'll come out of anything! I bet you can even get out of jail that way!**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…. **To be continued….. Just kidding :)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **And he wasn't supposed to be singing.. he's got a horrible voice**! We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

**She goes to bed with high heels… right…. Is it just me or there's something freaky about this girl?**

**Don't forget to comment! =]**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Don't do it! PLEASE!**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **Where would you otherwise? ** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots **Now that's reasonable, not like the boots AND high heels you wore on Chapter 3** that were black. **Why am I not surprised?** I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **You're a VAMPIRE, crosses KILL you!** I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, **YUMMY! MY FAVORITE!** and a glass of red blood. **BEST BREAKFAST EVER!** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **YAYYY! Good job some random one!  
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>"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. <strong>You should never get mad at hot guys… <strong>He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **What a stupid sentence..** He didn't have glasses anymore **Who said he ever did?** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **Again – you never mentioned he did before.. who is this dude anyway? (1 guess)** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **ROFLLL HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS GIRL IS SUCH A MEDIOCRE DUNCE!**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **ROFL!**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **Like a little girl he giggled with an evil look in his eyes, glaring at all the humans in the room, trying to pick who to eat for dinner.**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **What a great confession!  
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>"Really?" he whimpered. <strong>He whimpered because this confession was so sad and stupid, and this girl was too. It's just so sad to realize there are such idiotic people among us!<strong>

"Yeah." I roared. **Like a brave (and stupid) lion, she knelt on the ground and with a dramatic flip of her purple mane she roared "YEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"  
><strong>  
>We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him<strong>. Leaving Vampire Potter to pick a Hufflepuff to suck blood from, he was so thirsty!<strong>

**You'll realize in time that the original chapters only get more stupid and funny everytime lol**


	7. Chapter 7: Bring Me 2 Life

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

**Suddenly out of the blue, a chapter title!**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **OMFG REALLY? PLEASE DEAR GOD – DISTROY THIS STORY, DON'T REVIEW IT! **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **Hopefully that won't be happening very soon** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **You should report your own story, not us** Evony **Oh now she's Evony!** isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!** You're a Satanist, stop mentioning go**d!

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. **They're holding their own hands, with their hand I assume? **I was wearing red Satanist sings **Sings and Signs have a completely different meaning you moron **on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? **YES**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **WHO CARES?** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. **The Slytherin common room is DOWN STAIRS, just to be clear..** Then…

We started frenching **Sorry, you can't conjugate this word. Try again.** passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **A leather bra? You sound like a twisted more normal Lady Gaga, because hers is made from raw meat** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **YES! IT IS!**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic **goffik not gothic!** writing were the words… Vampire!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"** LMAO**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **Giving a heart attack to all the 1****st**** years** He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **Refer to it as "thingie", it sounds better **I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom **He's got his own class room! How shick is he?** where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.** Students**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **She sounds angry, watch out vampy!**

**What a coincidence – I was just listening to Bring Me to Life (by Evanescence) on my Ipod when I came to save this doc lol (Itz un suffle mood, daz y itz a koncdens, gettit prepz?)**


	8. Chapter 8

**This is a short chapter, yay! :]**

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep! **Of course we are. lol  
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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **Again giving everyone a heart attack...**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **He can't possibly be screaming sadly! That is irrational!**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **Like everyone else except for Inoby, that is also weird. She's the most goffik of the group, how come she doesn't wear contacts?** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **What's the point? lol** Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **Oh so now you're randomly starting to talk about Hermione. How is she related here? **Her real parents are vampires **Mine are too!** and one of them is a witch **So she's 3/4 vampire and only 1/4 witch. The original Hermione was muggle born, but does it matter? No, because this story makes no sense anyway.. **but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **I SWEAR I WILL HUNT TARA DOWN AND MURDER HER!** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **Oh I see, young Miss B'loody Mary is supposed to be a clone of Hermione? Now I get it!**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!"** ROFL HAHAHAHA **Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **He didn't cheat on you, Draco did you ridiculous dimwit!**

Everyone gasped. ***GASP***

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **Ebony is mad at Tara? Girl you better see a doctor you've got a split personality…** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony **You are Business Intelligence?**)for a while but then he broke my heart. **How sad..** He dumped me because he liked Britney **Spears?**, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. **Oh My God you've got to take some extra lessons in English, or kill yourself, that would be even better. We WERE just good friends NOW? Either you were good friends or you are good friends. You can't WERE good friends NOW!** He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **GOSH THIS IS SO IDIOTIC**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.** You went out with Draco? You pig.**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room **I reckon he was supposed to be the one to run out, because she told HIM to fuck off, not herself… But again I forgot she's got a major case of Dementia and split personality, and also Dyslexia**. and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **HAHAHAHAHA (S)HE LOST HER (I MEAN HIS) ****VIRILITY****! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

**LOL the last scene totally made me crack hahaha this crap is so hilarious!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **We noticed that…** dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **Yes it is, you wrote the fanfiction!** besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **A headache is not a good enough excuse for cursing like a maniac!** and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **LAUGHING MY ARSE OFF HAHAHA **MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **Ommm eww?**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man **Grammar – something you'll never understand!** with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!** A ShootingPentagram 2000 right?** He didn't have a nose **You already said that** (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **I SERIUSLEY DON'T CARE!** It was… Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **CROOKSHANKS IS A CAT YOU RETARDED DIMWIT!** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **ROFL**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **MUHAHAHAHA**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **I disagree with that description** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? ** You're standing against the most evil wizard ever, he's got the power to kill you, he might actually do it, and that's what you're thinking about? jee**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **She's a vampire-wizard, she's got a wand and vampire powers, what does she need a GUN for?** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **Wow, I'm impressed, when did you start to talk in proper English? Still a grammar mistake in "does" but that's a major improvement! **

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **LOL a dude-ur-so-retarded look, I know that one very well, It's the one I give you (I mean my computer, but you got what I meant) every time I read another chapter of this idiotic fanfic. Why I'm I even reading this? **"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **Tele-Kine-Sis. Lol I imagine a cow running to its mother saying "mooooooomy mmmmmoooomyyyyy the aliens teleported my sister into their space ship again! Last time they stole a cow it didn't come back the same…" she said while looking at the cow skeleton lying in the middle of the paddock… (If you guys don't know what the fu*k I'm talking about: Kine = ****An archaic plural for cow. And the rest is just me being influenced by the stupidness of this story.. and also I'm a bit tired) Sorry. Back to the topic: **"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **Voldemort can't just fly away, he's got to do it with style!**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **NO I DIDN'T GET IT STOP WITH THE GEDDITS!** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **She expelled. Right.**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **They made out while walking, doesn't sound very convenient to me.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **It turns out I didn't understand anything from what you just said. Yeah, ok.**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **You forgot to add 'black' into that sentence.** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **Is that true? I can't wait to hear you play – so I can throw tomatoes at you :)** People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **In short – BAD.** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. **WHY OH WHY?** He has black hair now with blue streaks in it. **WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN RON TOO?**) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead.

**Oh my bloody blood**

**It's pouring down the lake**

**It's so red and beautiful,**

**like blood should look like**

**(I'm not good with rhymes, as you can see)**

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too) **Why am I not surprised?** and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) **You just did. A moment ago. When you explained what people think of your band. And you also wore crosses on your ears in chapter 6. Do you like crossed or do you not? MAKE UP YOUR MIND! **and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **OMG I seriously love that movie! I've got it on DVD and I'm not kidding! I LOVE THAT MOVIE! (This time it's for real lol)** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **Just go naked, it won't change anything…** You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.** RIGHTTTTT….. YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF MISSY**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **Oh, so emotional all of a sudden, are we?**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **Concerned would fit better here.**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **WOWOW! Jeez, calm down! she was only asking a question! **And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **Finally you wrote burst and not bust. An improvement! =)  
><strong>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. **EAVESDROPPER!** "How could you- you- you **(you-you-you-you-you-you)** fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character? **YES**)

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **What a cry baby!**

We practiced for one more hour. **Occasionally crying,** Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **That's new**…!

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **Lesson number #18624691538275: When you ask a question, you use an ****interrogation point****!** (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y **Correct, he didn't swear, but it doesn't mean it's still isn't dumb**) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **YOU JUST SAID HE CAN'T DIE BECAUSE HE'S A FREAKING VAMPIRE!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Yay! Longest chapter so far! ^.^ 1,134 words!**

**Before I start, I just wanted to say this:**

**This – is – the most – idiotic – story – I have ever – come – across!**

**And reading this chapter you'll see why :)**

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

**I just had to try and translate this cave-man language into something more rational that is as close as possible to the original: I sad stop flaming up preps! 'c' if dish chapter is sure paid! One one one one. It deals wit rely sure is is s.o.s! P.s. 'c' for yourself if its stupid bra fang to ma friend raven for helping me!**

"NO!" **YESSSS!** I screamed. I was horrorfied! **You shall not be conjugating anymore verbs from now on. **B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **That's what I tell my friends everytime my boyfriend dies! As if! **and I ran to my room crying myself. **You cried all by yourself? No one helped you? **Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **HEHEHEHE this is hilarious**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood **You should really go check that internal bleeding you know.. it's dangerous!** and then I slit both of my wrists. **Yeah, that's really smart. Now you're not only bleeding to the inside but also to the outside!** They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak **and ate it rare **and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.** I should totally go to my cousin's wedding wearing that outfit!** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap** (!)** was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! **L-M-F-A-O!** And Loopin **LUPIN! L-U-P-I-N! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!** was masticating to it! **He was masticating what?** They were sitting on their broomsticks. **Really? 'Cause I thought they were fairies and had magical wings! Anyhow this scene doesn't make any sense because I'll say it again – the Slytherin common room and dorms are UNDERGROUND!**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" **One guess. And also – don't forget lesson number #18624691538275!**I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" **My favorite hex!** he yelled at Snape **Woohoo! You spelled Snape's name right! **and Loopin **Still some work required in there.. **pointing his womb. **Haha he's got a uterus! **I took my gun **USE YOUR WAND!** and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **(until you ran out of bullets. Your gun is enchanted, it can contain A LOT of bullets.)** and they both started screaming and the camera broke. **KABOOM!** Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. **Please, please dear god, teach this poor child how to spell…** "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… ***DRUMS!***

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **There's no hope…**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **Isn't Hagrid supposed to be like in his 50st when Harry's folks arrive at Hogwarts?**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **Now that changes EVERYTHING!**

"This cannot be." **I agree, there can't be such dumb people out there!** Snap said in a crisp voice **What the hell do you mean by that? **as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **Like… global warming!**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **Don't have any what?**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **I'll just pretend I understood that word**"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **I forgot to buy more blood cans! Oh shoot!**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **I'm not following the conversation anymore…**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. **When did you hear any voices? **I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **This story makes me cry with sorrow..**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. **He paused in the air. DRAMATICALLY.**Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. This story is so screwed up… seriously, I don't understand why I'm even trying…!

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **I'm afraid too, but not for the same reasons…**

"Because I LOVE HER!"** Oh shoot!**

**I told you. This chapter is so messed up… This girl… Tara… is a special person. And not in a good way. It makes me sad thinking that there's actually such people among us… it's just so sad…**

**Anyway….. I just finished 1/4 of the story! 11/44 chapters are done! :]**

**Only 33 to go, yay! :'(**


	12. Chapter 12

**Wow get ready for a pretty long chapter!**

**Fasten your seat belts and hold on tight we are going down!**

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo **What does it have to do with anything?** 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat **Not in my school! Or any other NORMAL non-goffik school! **I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian **Because we don't care if he is or isn't** plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **Cedric? Where did he suddenly come from?  
><strong>  
><p>

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. **WTF **He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **Yes! Kill yourself! Please!**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. **(a dramatic pause)** his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **His red whites? LOL**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **How did he know that his scar hurt?**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **You saw your pain? You didn't feel it? Huuuuuuhhh?**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **Only because he covered it with makeup doesn't mean it's not there you dumbo!**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation. **Just like I said lol** " he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! **I NEED A HERO! I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT! HE'S GOTTA BE STRONG, AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH FROM THE FIGHT! **then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **Volfemort got him bandaged?  
><strong>  
>Anyway I was in the school nurse's office <strong>aka InfirmaryHospital Wing** now recovering from my slit wrists. **Why? Just use your super vampire healing powers and you'll be just fine!** Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. **Hahrid? HAHAHAHAHA **They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **LMAO what a great reason… is there a department in St. Mungo's for mentally sick people? I thought of sending Tara there…** Dumbledore had constipated **Didn't eat enough fruits today, have you? LOL best line ever! **the cideo camera **It's a cross between video and a CD player! **they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them. **CLASSIC!**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. Awww how cute

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses. **A v. serious voice? You don't need a short word for very you know, it's short enough..**

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, **You wear pink all the time! Your coffin is pink at the inside! **and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. **Anyone who gives pink roses as a present is a prep.** Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **Wtg Hargrid!**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **Then what are they?**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **lol**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong **Ommm yes it is, even though I've got no idea what you were trying to write…)** to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **Huh? Does any of this makes any sense to any of you guys? Did anyone actually understand what was going on?**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **Oh now I understand! Wait…. No I don't… damn it…**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." **L-M-A-O!** Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **I use that spell all the time!**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. **Right…** And it was black. **NO KIDDING? I would have never guessed that! Especially after you've just said it a couple of words before!** Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **Shoot and I thought we could have saved Hargrid… Oh well…**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **What the fuck is Drako? Drako is your boyfriend's name spelled poorly.**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. **Every time you add a wrong letter to a word/name they are supposed to be in, I bang my head onto my desk… **I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **Well yeah, it's black.**

"U c, Enobby, ***BANG***" Dumblydore** *BANG* **said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **My head hurts…**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. **I am too.** I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **You're so stupid.**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!" ***DOUBLE BANG!***

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs **Upstairs to where? The roof?** and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. **I know exactly what you mean. **Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **Ugly shoe.** I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off! **NO YOU FUK OFF!**) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. **I can't (and don't want to) imagine what blood-red lipstick and black lip gloss might look like…**

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit **NO**) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **So you recycled your blood? **I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **You're clever!** I went to some classes. **OMG you did that? Get out of here!** Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **He was in the hair. Aha… Magical Magic Creatures? I assumed they were gothic! **He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **Yum!**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.** That's how I always say things, in an wqually said way…**

**This chapter is too long… It's 1,502 (as from the end of this sentence) already and I'm not done yet!**

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry **Vampire Potter** had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. **Because they wear the same freaking lenses you moron!** Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **Oh no! Not another poorly written sex scene!**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle ***SUPER BANG!*** who was watching us and so was everyone else. **PERVS!**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **You also jumped on him! Take some responsibility for your actions! **

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **Didn't that happen before? I've got a Déjà vu feeling…**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **Yes, it did happen…**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

**Don't read this, you'll have a heart-attack…**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

**It's in hell DUHH**

**1,567 words, what a waste of parchment..**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **We noticed that…** dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **Yes it is, you wrote the fanfiction!** besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **A headache is not a good enough excuse for cursing like a maniac!** and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **LAUGHING MY ARSE OFF HAHAHA **MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **Ommm eww?**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man **Grammar – something you'll never understand!** with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!** A ShootingPentagram 2000 right?** He didn't have a nose **You already said that** (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **I SERIUSLEY DON'T CARE!**It was… Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **CROOKSHANKS IS A CAT YOU RETARDED DIMWIT!** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **ROFL**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **MUHAHAHAHA**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **I disagree with that description** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **You're standing against the most evil wizard ever, he's got the power to kill you, he might actually do it, and that's what you're thinking about? jee**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **She's a vampire-wizard, she's got a wand and vampire powers, what does she need a GUN for?**"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **Wow, I'm impressed, when did you start to talk in proper English? Still a grammar mistake in "does" but that's a major improvement! **

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **LOL a dude-ur-so-retarded look, I know that one very well, It's the one I give you (I mean my computer, but you got what I meant) every time I read another chapter of this idiotic fanfic. Why I'm I even reading this? **"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **Tele-Kine-Sis. Lol I imagine a cow running to its mother saying "mooooooomy mmmmmoooomyyyyy the aliens teleported my sister into their space ship again! Last time they stole a cow it didn't come back the same…" she said while looking at the cow skeleton lying in the middle of the paddock… (If you guys don't know what the fu*k I'm talking about: Kine = ****An archaic plural for cow. And the rest is just me being influenced by the stupidness of this story.. and also I'm a bit tired) Sorry. Back to the topic: **"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **Voldemort can't just fly away, he's got to do it with style!**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **NO I DIDN'T GET IT STOP WITH THE GEDDITS!**between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **She expelled. Right.**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **They made out while walking, doesn't sound very convenient to me.**


End file.
